I woke this morning feeling an worrying pain in my neck and remembered that I overlooked my court date in California yesterday. I supposed to name and attempt to get a continuation, however, I positioned it off after which forgot. The days flew through right here in Vancouver and now I even have a $two hundred nice to pay that is simply another addition to the pile of debt that I’m positive is contributing to this “ache in my neck.”
I do not know what to do. I’m trying my fine to observe my coronary heart and my coronary heart is NOT calling me to get a “regular” job, get a place, pay hire, payments and do all that again, now not but, no longer that way. I don’t have any interest in doing something but inspiring lots upon thousands and thousands of people with my music, and but I don’t have an album, and no money to record one. This will be what they mean approximately being among a rock: my monetary situation, and a difficult region: no concept what to do. My patience is my hammer. And a bomb would possibly simply blow this whole mountain up if I’m lucky.
I heard the financial machine should fall apart in August if the debt ceiling is not raised. I wish this isn’t a tease motive I’m in really looking forward to that! I may want to sincerely use it individually, I think we all ought to, despite the fact that it would not look like it. This monetary system isn’t serving the best of the complete, and I trust, if we’re to move forward to a “lifestyles maintaining” society, as Joanna Macy puts it, the old should die, fall, and the brand new will sprout. I think it’s all happening at once.
I’m following my excitement, my joy, my bliss, and it’s just not bringing any cash in proper now, even though it has, and it is why I’m still alive and loving lifestyles as plenty as I do regardless of anything else. I had a pleasant bite of appreciation come my way about a month in the past for my track, from the beneficiant souls on the Joanna Macy workshop. The ultimate scrapings of that ran out yesterday at a nice vegetarian restaurant. But I still have the leftovers within the fridge, and I accept as true with that extra is on the manner. Actually, as I’m writing this money become just deposited into my account from my beneficiant and loving dad and mom, despite them now not being very rich, they have got always given and helped me and my sister out when they can, so there it IS! It’s just sufficient to get me to Victoria and have some food for the next week, so I’m happy about that!
Interestingly, the $70,000 or so in debt I have abandoned is not a trouble. The hardest part of all of it is that my dad and mom, who co-signed the financial institution loan, are paying the interest in the intervening time, which has caused me grief and disgrace in the beyond, however now not so much anymore. Yes, it’s nonetheless unsettling, and it’s now not what I could opt for, however, I actually have forgiven myself for making the picks I made and I believe that everyone is still in best alignment. The freedom I enjoy is well worth it. I love my life extra than ever, but I’m greater broke than ever.
At the instant, I sofa surf with incredible achievement and gratitude and I am taken care of by very loving and generous people. It feels just like the early tiers of the gift economy, where family takes care of own family and not using questions, no expectancies and entire joy and shameless generosity. That being said, on this childish sprouting, there are nevertheless lines of the antique way, naturally. The worry that an alternate or identical trade is needed brings up disgrace inside me as I tiptoe against and away from the delicate boundaries in those places of a provision that I have to be keen to sense and devoted to leaving. The floor of fact, is really, completely groundless. No, you’ll be able to stand on impermanence. But we supply ourselves the influence that material things are actual, reliable, yet 99% of relying on is the empty area. And what takes place in the empty space is the enjoyment of being alive and that’s what I’m after. Deeper and deeper into fears, into uncertainties, towards oblivion.
Apparently, oblivion is a lot like Victoria, one of the maximum beautiful locations in Canada, so I hear. Letting go and going with the glide. I’m following my hearts calling to locate and start a band and truly cross for it musically. I feel geared up. I want to do what Michael Franti does, and on that scale. I realize I can. I understand the songs I’ve written may be hit. I simply want to file and market them nicely or find someone who will marketplace them for me. All this is “business as common” thinking as it’s nonetheless the equal machine operating. We haven’t upgraded yet, we haven’t thrown out Monetary Industrial Growth (Debt Based Ver 1.Zero). So I wait, with one foot on this international and three limbs stretching into the unknown. I meet with pals and speak commercial enterprise.
I met with an antique pal, Dan MacIsaac, the day past for brunch and he wants to do simply that, file and marketplace unfound, unknown artists who he believes in. Thankfully we’re buddies from long ago back in Southern Ontario and this opportunity is pretty inspiring and vivid for the each of us. Yesterday we reconnected intellectually and spiritually and it felt excellent to peer a shiny horizon. We’ve both been very diligently pursuing personal and religious boom in our own ways, but the quit result is a transformed individual and existence.
I sense with Dan and many different humans I keep meeting, there’s a mutual understanding of the breakdown in society, the unearthing roots, the social erosion occurring, due to a loss of compassion for each other and the earth. This collective disease reasons us to awareness of our separateness and the pursuit of paper and electronic cash as the answer to our problems.
The failing of each cutting-edge device is clear to me. Our health care is causing struggling, dependency, and disorder, our education is robbing children of innovative, unbiased concept and conditioning them to mindlessly take part in an international monetary pyramid scheme, our financial system is 95% debt and is fueled through opposition, oppression, and inequality, our dwelling structures are in decline and the marginalized populations aren’t being served or helped in methods which might be sustainable and empowering. At the identical time, none of that is absolutely genuine, yet it’s miles part of the reality of our global. There are mild facets, silver linings and healing within all this brokenness and there is splendor all around us, inside us, pouring out people, maintaining us. It actually is the excellent and the worst of times. I try to awareness of the high quality. I’ve executed so many religious paintings. I even have surrendered the whole thing I thought I may want to. All I actually have now could be a backpack of clothes and some things, my guitar and this old clunker laptop. I love all my matters a lot. They are precious impermanent things that I enjoy for the instant. I have subsequent to no possessions anymore due to the fact I desired to be unfastened to roam, and now I am, and I’m absolutely broke, and it’s lovely.
What’s a man to do? Following my heart, as I suspected it would, has taken me up in opposition to and into my innermost fears, and these fears had been definitely encasing my coronary heart and I experience fortunate, blessed, commemorated to have observed the courage, wisdom, and strength to embark on this type of adventure. Inward and outward, stretching in both directions. I’m heading for a breaking point, a breakthrough, a shift in cognizance, another time, and I don’t know how it’ll happen or the way to get there right now due to the fact I’m type of a blind, handcuffed, wandering, dancing and singing man, with only his heart to manual him through these darkish instances. But I persist, and I insist I am precisely wherein I am intended to be.